Microsecond: The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.
G3: Apple's new Macs that make you say, "Gee, it's three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a microsecond ago."
Syntax Error: Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."
Hard Drive: The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, especially after a Syntax Error.
GUI (pronounced "gooey"): What your computer becomes after spilling your coke on it.
Keyboard: The standard way to generate computer errors.
Mouse: An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.
Floppy: The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.
Portable Computer: A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.
Disk Crash: A typical computer response to any critical deadline.
System Update: A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.
An Apple a Day
If the computer explosion continues, it's conceivable that the next depression will find some of the unemployed selling Apples on street corners. [Take it easy Steve. It’s only a joke. I LOVE Apples! Really.]
Apologies to Dr. Seuss
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and
the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, and
the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash; and
the double-clicked icon puts your window in the trash, and
your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash.
If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
because as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, and
the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk,
then you'll have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom.
--Rod Mores - Macintosh Systems Consultant - email: email@example.com
And now for the question of the day; Is your computer 'male' or 'female'? You decide! As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female. (e.g., "Steady as she goes" or "She's listing to starboard, Captain!") Recently, a group of computer scientists (all male) announced that computers should also be referred to as being female. Their reasons for drawing this conclusion follows:
Five reasons to believe computers are female:
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
However, another group of computer scientists (all female) think that computers should be referred to as if they were male. Their reasons follow:
Five reasons to believe computers are male:
1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.
Top 10 Oxymorons!
10. Tight slacks
9. Definite maybe
8. Pretty ugly
7. Twelve-ounce pound cake
6. Diet ice cream
5. Rap music
4. Working vacation
3. Exact estimate
2. Religious tolerance
And the Number one top oxymoron
1. Microsoft Works
Next time you update the message on your answering machine try this...
"You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you."
Message form Rome: January 18, 1 B.C.
Are you still working on the Y zero K problem? This change from BC to AD is giving us a lot of headaches, and we haven't much time left! I don't know how people will cope with working the wrong way around. Having been working happily downwards forever, now we have to start thinking upwards. You would think that someone would have thought of it earlier and not left it to us to sort out at the last minute.
I spoke to Caesar the other evening. He was livid that Julius hadn't done something about it when he was sorting out the calendar. He said he could see why Brutus turned nasty. He called in the consulting astrologers, but they simply said that continuing downwards using minus BC won't work. As usual, the consultants charged a fortune for doing nothing useful. As for myself, I just can't see the sand in an hourglass flowing upwards.
We have heard that there are three wise guys in the east working on the problem, but unfortunately, they won't arrive till it's all over! Some say the world will cease to exist at the moment of transition.
Anyway, we are continuing to work on this blasted Y zero K problem, and I will send you a parchment if anything further develops. I must end this message short because I have suffered from a terrible case of encriber's syndrome ever since you sent us the new high-speed rewriteable tablets.
1. LOG ON: Makin a wood stove hotter.
2. LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
3. MONITOR: Keepin an eye on the wood stove.
4. DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off the truk.
5. MEGA HERTZ: When yer not kerful gettin the farwood.
6. FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood.
7. RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood.
8. HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter time.
9. PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time.
10. WINDOWS: Whut to shut wen it's cold outside.
11. SCREEN: Whut to shut wen it's blak fly season.
12. BYTE: Whut them dang flys do.
13. CHIP: Munchies fer the TV.
14. MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag.
15. MODEM: Whut cha did to the hay fields.
16. DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife.
17. LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps.
18. KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the dang keys.
19. SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifs.
20. MOUSE: Whut eats the grain in the barn.
21. MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn roof.
22. PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine
23. ENTER: Northerner talk fer "C'mon in y'all"
24. RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: Wen ya cain't 'member whut ya paid fer the rifle when yore wife asks.
25. MOUSE PAD: That hippie talk fer the rat hole.
(It’s not all about computers)
You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me.
Earth is full, go home.
I have the body of a god -- Buddha.
This would be really funny if it weren't happening to me.
So many pedestrians, so little time.
I used to be disgusted; now I'm just amused..
Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.
If progress means to move forward, what does congress mean?
If we quit voting, will they all go away?
Politics - from the words "poly," meaning "many," and "ticks," as in "small, bloodsucking parasites".
The face is familiar, but I can't quite remember my name.
He who dies with the most toys...still dies.
Eat right, exercise, die anyway.
Illiterate? Write for help.
Honk if anything falls off.
Cover me...I'm changing lanes.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
He who hesitates is not only lost but miles from the next exit.
I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
This isn't my idea of a good time.
It's been lovely but I have to scream now.
Uniquely maladjusted but fun.
This bumper sticker exploits illiterates.
Minimum wage for politicians.
Visualize using your turn signals.
Where are we going and why am I in this handbasket?.
I haven't lost my mind it's backed up on disk somewhere.
You! Out of the gene pool!.
Gone crazy ... be back shortly.
If you're not outraged, you're not paying attention.
I do whatever my Rice Krispies tell me to.
--submitted to MacTechnics by Bill & Dory Stewart
Error Will Robinson
The following are just some new Windows 2000 error messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2000:
1. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
2. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
3. Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
4. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
5. Windows message: “Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)”
6. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
7. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
8. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
9. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
10. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles (and the files created with them) have been deleted.
640K ought to be enough for anybody. "Bill Gates, 1981"
Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons. "Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949"
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers. "Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943"
"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year." "The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957"
But what ... is it good for? "Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip."
There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home. "Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977"
"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible." A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)
"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." "Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962."
Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible. "Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895."
"So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.'" Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer.
You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of your muscles? It can't be done. It's just a fact of life. You just have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of weight training. "Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the ""unsolvable"" problem by inventing Nautilus."
Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy. Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.
Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau. "Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929."
Everything that can be invented has been invented. "Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899."
Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction. "Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872"
• Home is where you hang your @.
• The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
• A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
• You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
• Great groups from little icons grow.
• Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
• C:\ is the root of all directories.
• Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
• Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
• The modem is the message.
• Too many clicks spoil the browse.
• The geek shall inherit the earth.
• A chat has nine lives.
• Don't byte off more than you can view.
• Fax is stranger than fiction.
• FAQs are stranger than fiction.
• What boots up must come down.
• Windows will never cease.
• In Gates we trust.
• Virtual reality is its own reward.
• Modulation in all things.
• A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
• There's no place like http://www.home.com.
• Know what to expect before you connect.
• Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
• Speed thrills.
• Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for week.
Rules of Computer Order
You will never have an extra blank disk.
If you do bring along a blank disk, you won't need it.
If you don't bring along a blank disk, it will be the only available opportunity to obtain a copy of a hitherto unattainable, and uniquely appropriate program.
If someone else is watching while you are doing anything on the computer, anything at all, it will screw up (that's a technical term).
The percentage chances of screwing up increase in direct proportion to the size of your audience.
No matter how simple it seems to you, your explanation will be more than they want to know.
You will amaze yourself at how much you know.
You will amaze your mother at how much you know about computers.
You will always have one disk envelope too few. Or too many.
The only pieces of data you will ever lose are the ones you were going to save just as soon as you finished typing a couple more lines.
The update of your program will use the keys for something entirely different in this version than it did when you first learned it.
You will not understand it the first time you read it in the manual.
You will understand it better the next time you read the manual. For no discernible reason.
When you are late for an interview and need a last minute copy of your resume you printer will go down. It will always go down. It doesn't care.
Nowhere in your repair manual will it ever tell you what you really need to do--which is to turn the darn thing off and get yourself a cup of tea.
You will never know what a user file is.
The price of anything you buy will stay the same until the actual impact of your money on the bottom of the cash drawer, at which time it will automatically re-list itself in next Thursday's paper at 30% less.
Staring at the screen for 97 continuous minutes will not necessarily reveal to you the secret location of any colon that should have been typed in as a semi. Or vice versa.
It will always seem like your friend got a better deal.
The 800 number will be busy.
The Good Old Days
• Not so long ago...
• An application was for employment
• A program was a TV show
• A cursor used profanity
• A keyboard was a piano!
• Memory was something that you lost with age
• A CD was a bank account
• And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy you hoped nobody found out!
• Compress was something you did to garbage not something you did to a file.
• And if you unzipped anything in public, you'd be in jail for a while!
• Log on was adding wood to a fire
• Hard drive was a long trip on the road
• A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
• And a backup happened to your commode!
• Cut - you did with a pocket knife
• Paste you did with glue
• A web was a spider's home
• And a virus was the flu!
• I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper and the memory in my head
• I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash, but when it happens they wish they were dead!
Ode to My Spell Chequer
[If you haven’t already seen this one, here it is. It’s a reminder that even though we have these sleek looking boxes on our desktops, they’re really still hardly more than Model-Ts.]
Eye halve a spelling chequer.
It came with my pea sea.
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And Eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.
Haiku Error Messages
[Thanks to Stephen K. Knight of FMWebSchool]
In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error
messages with Haiku poetry messages. They're used to communicate a timeless
message, often achieving a wistful, yearning and powerful insight through
extreme brevity. Here are some actual error messages from Japan:
The Web site you seek
Cannot be located, but
Countless more exist.
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.
Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.
A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Both are blank.
Order will be restored.
2 Programmers on a Highway
Two computer programmers are driving on a Highway. They switch on the radio and there is a warning: Please note that a car is driving on highway 75 against the traffic. The programmer near the driver looks at him and says: One? There are hundreds of them.
A CD Player
While shopping for my first CD player, I was able to decipher most of the technicalese on the promotional signs. One designation had me puzzled, though, so I called over a salesperson and asked, "What does 'hybrid pulse D/A converter' mean?"
"That means", he said, "that this machine will read the digital information that is encoded on CDs and convert it into an audio signal - that is, into music."
"In other words this CD player plays CDs."
At a recent software engineering management course in the US, the participants were given an awkward question to answer. "If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software how many of you would disembark immediately?"
Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay onboard.
With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.
Befuddled Pc Users Flood Help Lines
AUSTIN, Texas - The exasperated help-line caller said she couldn't get her new Dell computer to turn on. Jay Ablinger, a Dell Computer Corp. technician, made sure the computer was plugged in and then asked the woman what happened when she pushed the power button.
"I've pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens," the woman replied. "Foot pedal?" the technician asked. "Yes," the woman said, "this little white foot pedal with the on switch." The "foot pedal," it turned out, was the computer's mouse, a hand-operated device that helps to control the computer's operations.
Personal-computer makers are discovering that it's still a low-tech world out there. While they are finally having great success selling PCs to households, they now have to deal with people to whom monitors and disk drives are a foreign as another language.
"It is rather mystifying to get this nice, beautiful machine and not know anything about it," says Ed Shuler, a technician who helps field consumer calls at Dell's headquarters here. "It's going into unfamiliar territory," adds Gus Kolias, vice president of customer service and training for Compaq Computer Corp. "People are looking for a comfort level."
Only two years ago, most calls to PC help lines came from techies needing help on complex problems. But now, with computer sales to homes exploding as new "multimedia" functions gain mass appeal, PC makers say that as many as 70% of their calls come from rank novices. Partly because of the volume of calls, some computer companies have started charging help-line users.
The questions are often so basic that they could have been answered by opening the manual that comes with every machine. One woman called Dell's toll-free line to ask how to install batteries in her laptop. When told that the directions were on the first page of the manual, says Steve Smith, Dell director of technical support, the woman replied angrily, "I just paid $2,000 for this damn thing, and I'm not going to read a book."
Indeed, it seems that these buyers rarely refer to a manual when a phone is at hand. "If there is a book and a phone and they're side by side, the phone wins time after time," says Craig McQuilkin, manager of service marketing for AST Research, Inc. in Irvine, Calif. "It's a phenomenon of people wanting to talk to people."
And do they ever. Compaq's help center in Houston, Texas, is inundated by some 8,000 consumer calls a day, with inquiries like this one related by technician John Wolf: "A frustrated customer called, who said her brand new Contura would not work. She said she had unpacked the unit, plugged it in, opened it up and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, 'What power switch?'"
Seemingly simple computer features baffle some users. So many people have called to ask where the "any" key is when "Press Any Key" flashes on the screen that Compaq is considering changing the command to "Press Return Key."
Some people can't figure out the mouse. Tamra Eagle, an AST technical support supervisor, says one customer complained that her mouse was hard to control with the "dust cover" on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in. Dell technician Wayne Zieschang says one of his customers held the mouse and pointed it at the screen, all the while clicking madly. The customer got no response because the mouse works only if it's moved over a flat surface.
Disk drives are another bugaboo. Compaq technician Brent Sullivan says a customer was having trouble reading word-processing files from his old diskettes. After troubleshooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, Mr. Sullivan asked what else was being done with the diskette. The customer's response: "I put a label on the diskette, roll it into the typewriter..."
At AST, another customer dutifully complied with a technician's request that she send in a copy of a defective floppy disk. A letter from the customer arrived a few days later, along with a Xerox copy of the floppy. And at Dell, a technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and "close the door." Asking the technician to "hold on," the customer put the phone down and was heard walking over to shut the door to his room. The technician meant the door to his floppy drive.
The software inside the computer can be equally befuddling. A Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so Dell technician Gary Rock referred him to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends," the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, "Oh! I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."
No realizing how fragile computers can be, some people end up damaging parts beyond repair. A Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it, he said, filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking his keyboard for a day, and then removing all the keys and washing them individually.
Computers make some people paranoid. A Dell technician, Morgan Vergara, says he once calmed a man who became enraged because "his computer had told him he was bad and an invalid." Mr. Vergara patiently explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
These days PC-help technicians increasingly find themselves taking on the role of amateur psychologists. Mr. Shuler, the Dell technician, who once worked as a psychiatric nurse, says he defused a potential domestic fight by soothingly talking a man through a computer problem after the man had screamed threats at his wife and children in the background.
There are also the lonely hearts who seek out human contact, even if it happens to be a computer techie. One man from New Hampshire calls Dell every time he experiences a life crisis. He gets a technician to walk him through some contrived problem with his computer, apparently feeling uplifted by the process.
"A lot of people want reassurance," says Mr. Shuler.
Computer Problem Report Form
12/6/2009 Ever try to get online support? You have to fill out a long form and every field needs to have something in it. Here’s an example:
Describe your problem: ____________________________________________
Now, describe the problem accurately:
Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:
Nature of the problem:
A. Locked Up__
Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__
Is it turned on? Yes__ No__
Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes__ No__
Have you made it worse? Yes__
Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__
Are you sure you've read the manual? Yes__ No__
Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No__
Do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__
If `Yes' then why can't you fix the problem yourself?
How tall are you? Are you above this line? _______
What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred?
If `nothing' explain why you were logged in.
Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes__ No__
How does this problem make you feel?
Tell me about your childhood ____________________________________________
Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem? Yes__ No__
Can't you do something else, instead of bothering me? Yes__
GM gives Bill Gates "what for"
Anything sound familiar....?
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives (!?!), read on....
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX),Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,
'If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part ):
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash.........
Twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6 The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.
I love the next one!!!
7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off.
PS - I'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call 'customer service' in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!!!!